What can I say about Babies? I believe that babies are selfish little people, they are lazy, and, a great way to stay in shape. What's this? It's this Kid's take on babies!
I've been taking care of my nephew. He's five months old, and it's like taking care of Madonna. I mean, he can't move. He's a little potato who just kind of rolls around an giggles. I kind of feel for the kid. No matter what he wants to do, he needs my help doing it. Imagine living like that for just a weekend. And, he can't talk either. So, communication is limited to crying, screaming, or cooing. The point is, this kid is doing nothing to help me out. He's crying. Why? Undress a distraught baby, check his diaper, and find nothing. Give him food? He doesn't wan't it, still crying! So, what does he want? He just wants to be held and bounced a little. I mean wow! If I came over to your house and pitched a fit in your living room until you held me and bounced me, would you be cool with that? If I WERE CHRISTOPHER REEVES AND DID THAT WOULD IT BE COOL! It's like being used in a prison shower really. It's not over until it's over so you just kind of give him what he wants and hope that it's enough. Selfish little bastards.
I'm cleaning the house, because it's a mess. I'm mopping floors and doing dishes. No big deal, right? Something we all have to do. But now, insert a baby into this picture. Anytime I am not looking at the baby, he starts to cry. Now, I'm mopping floors, doing dishes, changing diapers, making bottles, having a puppet show and doing laundry. What is the baby doing? Nothing. Just sitting there waiting for me to turn around, so he can be surprised for the millionth time until he shits himself again and demands to be changed! And, don't forget the incredible need to be held and bounced. He's like Caesar and I'm a gladiator for him to play and amuse himself with. Everything you do has the weight of approval on it. Thumbs up and it's nap time. Thumbs down and he cries until I find a way to please him and go back to work. Lazy Little Bastards.
Through all this, I have to admit that I'm in the greatest shape of my life. I mean babies do nothing to help you out. They don't support their whole body weight. So, try an experiment: when you go to work bring a sack of potatoes with you. The game is that no matter what you do, you have to at least pick up and put down the sack of potatoes. If you leave the room, you have to carry it with you and you have to hold it for 45 minutes every hour while bouncing it up and down. I guarantee you will see some muscle definition in a week tops, if you do this every day. But honestly, nothing compares to an actual baby. If you want a solid overall workout, go out and get yourself a baby. We are talking about increases in stamina, muscle tone, and weight loss. Babies don't bother themselves with little things like your needs. It's like having a really tiny personal trainer with no compassion. Babies don't care if you changed their diaper four times in last half hour. All they know is that it's gotta go and they're moving it out. You thought you had time to eat something, but now you have a crying baby who smells like shit! Nothing kills an appetite quite like baby shit. So, seriously, if you're looking for a solid work out go out and rent a baby. I hear that Angelina Jolie does this as a way to keep in shape for her roles.
Well I can hear Caesar demanding my audience. So remember, babies are using telepathy to take over our minds and use us as hosts like parasites! But, honestly even my glutes look fabulous. That's this Kid's take on BABIES!