BABIES!

What can I say about Babies?  I believe that babies are selfish little people, they are lazy, and, a great way to stay in shape.  What's this?  It's this Kid's take on babies!

I've been taking care of my nephew.   He's five months old, and it's like taking care of Madonna.   I mean, he can't move.   He's a little potato who just kind of rolls around an giggles.   I kind of feel for the kid.  No matter what he wants to do, he needs my help doing it.   Imagine living like that for just a weekend.   And, he can't talk either.    So, communication is limited to crying, screaming, or cooing.   The point is, this kid is doing nothing to help me out.   He's crying.  Why?  Undress a distraught baby, check his diaper, and find nothing.   Give him food?  He doesn't wan't it, still crying!  So, what does he want?  He just wants to be held and bounced a little.   I mean wow!   If I came over to your house and pitched a fit in your living room until you held me and bounced me, would you be cool with that?  If I WERE CHRISTOPHER REEVES AND DID THAT WOULD IT BE COOL!   It's like being used in a prison shower really.   It's not over until it's over so you just kind of give him what he wants and hope that it's enough.    Selfish little bastards.

I'm cleaning the house, because it's a mess.  I'm mopping floors and doing dishes.   No big deal, right? Something we all have to do.  But now, insert a baby into this picture.    Anytime I am not looking at the baby, he starts to cry.   Now, I'm mopping floors, doing dishes, changing diapers, making bottles, having a puppet show and doing laundry.   What is the baby doing?  Nothing.  Just sitting there waiting for me to turn around, so he can be surprised for the millionth time until he shits himself again and demands to be changed!   And, don't forget the incredible need to be held and bounced.   He's like Caesar and I'm a gladiator for him to play and amuse himself with.   Everything you do has the weight of approval on it.  Thumbs up and it's nap time.  Thumbs down and he cries until I find a way to please him and go back to work.   Lazy Little Bastards.    

Through all this, I have to admit that I'm in the greatest shape of my life.  I mean babies do nothing to help you out.  They don't support their whole body weight.   So, try an experiment: when you go to work bring a sack of potatoes with you.  The game is that no matter what you do, you have to at least pick up and put down the sack of potatoes.  If you leave the room, you have to carry it with you and you have to hold it for 45 minutes every hour while bouncing it up and down.   I guarantee you will see some muscle definition in a week tops, if you do this every day.   But honestly, nothing compares to an actual baby.  If you want a solid overall workout, go out and get yourself a baby.   We are talking about increases in stamina, muscle tone, and weight loss.   Babies don't bother themselves with little things like your needs.   It's like having a really tiny personal trainer with no compassion.   Babies don't care if you changed their diaper four times in last half hour.  All they know is that it's gotta go and they're moving it out.   You thought you had time to eat something, but now you have a crying baby who smells like shit!   Nothing kills an appetite quite like baby shit.   So, seriously, if you're looking for a solid work out go out and rent a baby.   I hear that Angelina Jolie does this as a way to keep in shape for her roles.

Well I can hear Caesar demanding my audience.  So remember, babies are using telepathy to take over our minds and use us as hosts like parasites!  But, honestly even my glutes look fabulous.   That's this Kid's take on BABIES!

Shadows

True greatness is measured by the shadow their legacy will cast.    Michael Jordan,  Muhammad Ali and George Herman Ruth cast the largest shadows in sports history.    When ESPN held the poll for the greatest athlete of the century almost a decade ago Jordan, Ali, and Ruth were one, two , and three.  None of us were surprised.    Heres this kid's take on it.

Jordan took over the NBA and sports with vicious dictatorship.   Players, coaches and owners both feared and respected him.   When 23 walked onto the court something in the air changed.    Jordan played out his career like a political campaign.   Always making the right moves at the right time, never a blemish to be used against him.    He worked harder  than anyone else in the gym, on the court or in the office.    No athlete to date has been more marketable.   All of us wanted to be like Mike so we drank Gatorade.   Air Jordan's weren't just a sneaker they were a status symbol, and he spoke to masses because he wore Hanes underwear just like the rest of us.   His bald head became common among  young black athletes and  even a couple of white ones ( but it always look silly).    His reign over the sport cast a shadow so large that not one contemporary has been able to find his way out from under it.   Most athletes in this respect share a sparing partner.  Some one who challenged their dominance just enough that they get an honorable mention.   Ali had Frasier or Robinson, some might even include Mayweather Jr.   Ruth has Cobb and Gretzky wasn't included because the list of names that chase him is endless.   Orr, Lemieux, Howe and even Crosby.   Jordan stands alone.

Muhammad Ali was a combination of size and speed that boxing had never seen before.   He worked tirelessly in the gym.   Showman who called out opponents and predicting the rounds in witch they would go down.    An eloquent speaker winning over fans with charm and charisma.   he played the villain better then anyone.  Choosing the Muslim faith, not participating in the Vietnam War, and going head to head with Howard Cosell in interviews.    No heavyweight moved like Ali and no boxer was able to play the game quite like Ali.   Ali was able to get into your head, obscure your judgment, and distract you.    He boxed with his hands at his side taunting your, daring you to hit him.    His exploits have become legend, from how he lost his gold medal to the phantom bunch he "landed" on Liston for the K.O.  and even the rope a dope strategy used employed against Foreman.

SNAKES!

I hate snakes!  Why?  Because they are deceptive creatures.   They use camouflage, have a slick tongues, and are always slithering around behind your back.   And, they dress up as each other just to play games with people!  Thus we have this Kid's take on snakes.

To all of you who are not catholic... relax.   In the beginning God, created the world.   Then, he created Adam, and put him in charge of everything.  He told Adam to lock it down while he tended to other things.   After that, God creates women in the form of Eve to entertain Adam.   This dude had it going on like Ward Cleaver.   In the end, who screws Adam over?  Thats right!  A snake!   First chance he got that snake was all over Eve like R Kelly's piss on a little girls face.   So, from the beginning, man was destined to hate snakes.

Snakes disguise themselves as other snakes.  So, when I'm looking at a snake, I don't  know what I'm looking at.   A popular example is the coral snake and the milk snake.  Both snakes have the same red, black and yellow color scheme along their bodies, but only one of them is truly deadly.   Which one is slithering toward me as I take a dump in the woods?   Does it have two sets of yellow rings or just one?  And, is that good or bad?   Or, maybe I was lucky enough to discover the great Adirondack throwing snake ( mmhhmm... throwing snake), a lively veracious predator, though I could have sworn it was a milk snake.   Yesterday, I was cool, today, I'm minding my own business taking a dump in the woods, and tomorrow I'm famous.  " Man Killed BY New Breed Of Snake!"  Read all about it!.

My third reason is a little personal and a little irrational, but, I have a phobia.   I'm afraid that while I'm sleeping a snake is going to crawl in my ass.   I even use duct tape to block off my ass, that's how serious a phobia this is.   Every time a see a snake, all I see is a long slithering thing coming toward me. And, all I think about is, "Please don't crawl up my ass".    It takes me hours to get to sleep at night.  I have to check the whole house top to bottom and then apply duct tape to my ass.   The last part causes major stress, because I have to expose my asshole, and, while doing this, leaving myself open to snake attacks. I think about having to rip it off in the morning .   Then, I lay in bed for a couple hours clinching and praying that tonight isn't the night that snake sodomy is introduced to my life.   This is a major contributor to my snake hatred.  

So, next time you're taking a dump in the woods with your girlfriend and you see a snake coming your way, don't forget to cover your asshole and kill your treacherous better half, because she will turn on you!  Thats this Kid's take on snakes! 

What do you think about snakes? Let us know!

WTF, Kobe?

Kobe Bryant! What is this Kid's take on the Mamba? WHAT THE FUCK?

If you read The Big Book Of Basketball by columnist Bill Simmons, then you are aware of the Hall of Fame Pyramid and the coveted Pantheon (the ranking of the 12 greatest players in basketball history,) if you haven't you should check it out. I believe this to be the finest ranking of NBA greats and since I wasn't actually there myself to evaluate every player who ever picked up the rock, I have no arguments. Read the resume that a player needs to be considered for the Pantheon, read it carefully, because we are going to go through each of these requirements in a minute. Also, go through the Pantheon and read the names and details of each player, really think about it. Why are we doing this?  Because, I want to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Mamba does not belong in the Penthouse of the Pyramid. So, here we go!

1) Did he grasp the secret? The secret to winning that all great players seem to realize. NO! It's never been about the team nor the greater good, it's always been about Bryant and what's good for him. Only when his legacy was in jeopardy, because he hadn't won a title without Shaq, and his miles began to pile up did he try to "sacrifice" and use his team, taking on the role of a more positive leader instead of a ruthless dictator. "H" for Bryant

2) Did he get better when it mattered? No. I don't know where the greatest closer moniker came from. Hype maybe to generate interest in the league. But, other than that, how has he earned it? Does the regular season count? Games against the Timberwolves or the Clippers, when you are already the Western Conference powerhouse? I could easily crush a group of grade school girls in kickball or a UFC match, but I doubt that would propel me to the top of the mountain. To better illustrate this point, imagine that I played a whole career in the GGKL, coasted through the playoffs late in my career and then blew the finals, TWICE! Sure the Lakers won in 2009, but how many times did the Mamba try to win the game and fail miserably? Thats an "O".

3) Was he fun to play with? Ask his teammates at a bar some night after they have had a couple rounds. "R".

4) Has he been traded? No, one point for the Mamba.

5) His career. As a player the Mamba has had a spectacular career for an extraordinary length of time. One on one, I doubt few players could beat him. The work has paid off. He has the finest jump shot in the league. He is deadly from anywhere on the floor, a trait that very few players share today. Only, two in fact and thats Dwayne Wade and Paul Pierce. His physical conditioning is incredible. Game 5 last night in the 3rd quarter was one of the finest performances I have ever seen. Just basket after basket from all over the court. A friend, who hates basketball, came over to watch the game and even he took notice. Another point for Kobe.

6) His stats are legit, just remember to look at his Finals numbers and appearances after 2002. Also before the last two seasons, these numbers are hugely inflated because of the rate Bryant hogged the ball and ignored teammates, like a fat kid with cake. I'll call this a draw.

7) Did he have two remarkable qualities about his game? His ability to score from anywhere on the floor at will is definitely one. Like I said, only two other players share this quality and it's something that came in the package. The second would be his ability to finish the play, getting those extra points. This is also something that is not seen by other players consistently enough. That leaves the score 3-3.

8) Is he a great teammate? Another resounding NO. Don't let the last three year Kobe campaign fool you. Kobe is a punk and has smashed his team for close to a decade even trying to force a trade. "S".

9) The Mamba gets the All-NBA nod begrudgingly. Another Point for Kobe.

10) Did he resonate on a level beyond stats? No. We watch Kobe to see him score obscene amounts of points from a number of different ways, not because of his sparkling personality and charm. He's been labeled as moody, poor teammate, introverted, and an asshole. "E"! Game Over!

Bryant is an exceptional player, who has enjoyed a great career. He also has a world class work ethic, putting everything second to the game. But, does he deserve to be in the Pantheon? I mean everything about his game is contrived and imitation, a poor man's MJ. He hasn't closed a game that truly mattered, and has been bailed out by constantly by his supporting cast. Would they have beaten Phoenix without Ron "The Mad Dog" Artest? Last night, I watched Kobe go on an onslaught of offense and it didn't matter, it didn't translate to his team and revive them. I've seen him leave his team hanging out to dry right before a monsoon. He hasn't helped the league, If he had, we wouldn't be looking for that face to plaster everywhere to draw attention. And, without the Celtics would we still tune in to the Finals this year to watch? Does he really own four rings? I mean, he helped, but if we replaced him with Pierce, Wade, or Nash, would the outcome be any different? Sure some of the other players played for great teams, but ultimately what sets him apart, makes him unique in a way that would justify placing the Mamba above any of them? Jordan, Russell, Abdul-Jabbar, Magic, Bird, Chamberlain, Duncan, West, Robertson, Olajuwon, Shaq, and Moses? Using the Pyramid as our guide Bryant is safe on level two but does not belong in a top 10 debate.

Thats this Kid's take.

Something Different...

I hate Valentine's Day! "How could you hate Valentine's Day, it's so romantic?" and yes my reasons go far beyond the usual crap used as an excuse to weasel your way out of making the day special for someone, like it's a capitalist's holiday generated by greeting card companies. Heres this Kid's take on Valentine's Day.

On Valentine's Day, as the dude, it is expected of me to go all out. I have to get flowers, maybe candy, jewelry or both and plan an extravagant dinner usually at some expensive restaurant full of ambiance suiting the occasion. I'll be honest, this doesn't bother me. I'm a romantic guy and when twitter-pated by a special girl I love to go all out. Nothing makes me happier then massaging her feet after a long day, making her dinner, pouring her some wine and preparing a bath for her. It's that it's expected of you, it's a duty you must perform.

If your a new couple it doesn't matter when you started dating you have to be prepared for V-Day... A month, a week, a day you need at minimum the flowers, the candy, and some type of romantic outing whether it's a chick flick or a carriage ride or whatever. Oh! And a card, never ever forget the card, with a sweet little message light on the cheese. But I may not be that invested in someone so soon in our relationship. I don't want to send messages and generate feelings inappropriate of the current state of the relationship like "where do you see our relationship?" or possibly the L word and the scariest of all marriage. People get hurt this way. But if you under cut the holiday then you risk some schmuck coming along and stealing the girl with all his romantic wooing, it's a thin line. And how much you give is generally viewed as how much you love the person witch is some BS! Because you can over do it, and that can screw up your chances by scaring him/her away.

Now if your in a serious relationship then this is generally a do or die holiday because women scratch these things off on the bed post. You forget an occasion and your life is miserable for ever! If your engaged then your not taking the relationship seriously and if your married then you just don't care at all anymore and all the holidays or anniversaries you hit before do not roll over. There is never a moment of clarity for a women where she says " Well he did a really good job on my birthday". No, thats not happening. I mean if your married it's a tough road. You might have kids witch could mean soccer games or recitals and possibly a sitter for occasions. You've got anniversaries, mothers day, birthday, Christmas, New Years... And all of these things come during tax season. Thats a lot of stress. Plus all those little things that get saved up as ammo for later like the time your were late for dinner or forgot her mothers birthday, or you never put the toilet paper on the spindle. You also have to keep a running tally of what you did the previous year or occasion so you don't repeat. I mean if a women won't wear the same dress chances are she doesn't want the same routine for V-Day. Thats why you can tell weather or not a guy is single or married. Single guys still have that twinkle of freedom in their eye but a married man has that thousand yard stare as he watches his life whiz by and desperately tries not to forget something important.

It's All About Balance...

At the beginning of the NBA season, Danger and I went through the teams in each conference and made our predictions for the season. Who is a title contender, and which teams are shoe-in's for the post season? I was shocked when he told me he didn't see the Dallas Mavericks as a post season lock. His argument was that they filled their line-up with over the hill players, his favorite example is Jason Kidd.

Well we are at the half-way point of the season, and Dallas sits number two in the Western Conference behind the Lakers. I received an e-mail from him boasting about a few of his predictions that have proven true. I couldn't resist the opportunity to point out the Mavericks success. He gave me my due, but refused to give Kidd any of the credit.

Heres this Kid's take on it. I don't know what the general perception of Jason Kidd among fans at this point in his career is, or how well Dallas fans received the news that the Mavericks organization signed a 36 year old point guard to a three year contract. But, I do know this - Jason Kidd at 36 is still one of the top point guards in the league. He is still in phenomenal shape, better shape than he was in the early years of his career, and he fills all the holes the Mavericks have struggled with for the last decade.

Hole number one: Defense. The Mavs have been ridiculed for poor defense year after year, with maybe the only exception being their championship appearance in 2006 under Avery Johnson. They could score, but were unable to stop the ball. Kidd fills this void. Sure, he may not be able to lock down the younger generation of point guards in the league today, but he doesn't have to. He's there to use his experience and superior basketball IQ to capitalize on their mistakes. Kidd is netting 1.7 spg, his career average is 2. Not bad for an over the hill point guard, and better then most. Kidd is 12th in the league in steals this season.

Hole number two: Rebounding. Kidd hits the glass pulling down 5.3 rpg, career average of 6.6, and he leads the league among point guards. It's no secret that the Mavericks have never been a physical team in the paint and have never controlled the glass in the last decade, something that would lead to championships. Dallas is 5th in the league this season and has four out of five starters averaging over 5 rpg.

At age 36, Kidd is also one of the more durable players in the NBA today averaging 76 games a season, and playing 80 in his last four season. Kidd is also consistent putting up the same numbers he did as a rookie 15 seasons ago. Not many other players carry the same resume. Kidd may not be the most prolific scorer but he does shoot 40% from behind the arc, 80% from charity, and has been known to raise his game, hitting clutch baskets when his team was in need. He's also unselfish, numbers don't matter to Kidd. He only cares about the win column. And, he sits at number five among leaders in assists. I almost forgot that he won a second gold medal at the Olympics in 2008 at age 35.

This Kid's take is that it remains to be seen whether Kidd's addition to the line-up will result in a championship. But, at age 36, it hasn't hurt, and he remains one of the best and most consistent players at his position in the league.

It Could Be Worse.

With the undefeated Super Bowl run eliminated late this season, and the surging young Titans coming up short in an incredible turnaround season, I was left without a cause for the NFL playoffs. I'm a huge Peterson fan, but I can't root for Favre, not after spending years rooting against him. I was a huge Barry Sanders fan, and spent my youth hoping that each year he would find a way to squeak past Favre and the Pack. Thanksgiving was my favorite Holiday. So, what was I to do? Then I noticed something: a disgust for Donovan McNabb that I couldn't fully grasp. So for another post season I rooted for the underdog and I'll tell you why.

I'm more of a football fan than I am a team guy. Each Sunday, during my youth was spent in front of the television immersed in the sport all day long, and carrying over to Monday night. My father picked out players for me to pay attention to: Montana, Sanders, White, whoever was the best man on the field. During these years, my location on the map led to a lot of Giants, Eagles and Packers games. So, I have spent some time watching McNabb. I always found that he was entertaining to watch. He was usually good for one jaw dropping play a game in witch he evaded the defense in some ridiculous way and would bomb a pass up field for the six or continue the play on the ground for the same result. Remember the Dallas game where he dropped back went to his left couldn't find anything, reversed field, broke through a slew of Dallas defenders, and then bombed the pass forty yards up field for the six? Yeah, that was McNabb. Look it up on YouTube. So, why the disgust?

Here is a quarterback that the players like and respect, a quoted leader in the locker room, a teacher on the field, a motivator and mentor according to his peers. His numbers, though not record breaking, are consistent and he has improved each year and is always in shape and, from what I can tell, has one of the better work ethics in the sport. The team wins regularly on a season to season basis and returns the playoffs. He's never missed a season because he shot himself in the leg and went to prison, or because he decided that getting high was more important than football, not even because he went for a joy ride on his new motorcycle. He's even pleasant and well tempered with the press and fans. A bona fide role model. So whats missing? A Super Bowl?

Here's this Kid's take on that! I won't excuse McNabb because it is true that he does lack the hardware some of his contemporaries are able to flash at parties, but I think blaming McNabb solely for this is a little harsh. Go back and look at his teammates through this decade. How many of them are pro-bowlers? How many receivers have led the league in yards or gone on to do so when they left the Eagles? How many running backs led the league in yards gained or touchdowns? Zero, with the exception of T.O., and they went to the super bowl that year coming up four points shy of taking home the trophy.

Whats that? A typical McNabb performance you say, always coming up short. True, but again let's be fair. The team on the other side of the field was probably the best team that New England fans have ever seen. That Patriots team had a crushing defense featuring Ty Law in the backfield, along with many others. They had Corey Dillon at halfback and an offensive line so tight that Brady had to bring a book to read while waiting for his receivers to get open. I've never in my life seen someone have so much time to throw a football. All of that and McNabb and his Eagles were able to hang in there. I can hear you already, "Well, what about all the other years?". Each team that McNabb has faced in the Conference Finals, thats right, Conference Finals have gone on to win the Super Bowl. The St. Louis Rams of 2001, Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2002, and the Carolina Panthers in 2003. I know Carolina didn't win the Super Bowl that year, but they did have the top ranked defense and had Stephen Davis, one of the leading rushers that year with 1400 yards, and a Steve Smith/Muhsin Muhammad receiving combo who racked up 1937 yards combined that season, both pro bowlers.

Over this last decade McNabb has more wins than any other quarterback and more trips to the post season. Your last argument in rebuke will probably be that he is injury prone.  Yes, he has been injured, but he averages 13.5 games a season, and has only played under 10 once in his career. Maybe if he had had a better line, he wouldn't have gotten hurt. And, if you want to argue about that, I'll make a deal with you. If his line is so good, then we'll pad you up and let you take a couple snaps behind center. What do you think? No? McNabb's like Rocky, he just keeps coming and keeps getting up in the face of tougher competition and despite his less than enthusiastic fan base. I also feel the need to point out that McNabb has nothing to do with defense, and the year they lost the Super Bowl was because Brady was allowed to march the field in the final minutes leading to, can you guess? Thats right a Vinatieri field goal.

This Kid's take on it is this... No one wins the Super Bowl alone (unless possibly your name is Peyton Manning.) Sometimes it takes a little luck (I'm sure the helmet catch by Tyree in super bowl XLII wasn't drawn up that way in the huddle,) and sometimes it doesn't happen at all (Jim Kelly went to four in a row and came up empty.) So, to the Eagles fans out there, if you're sick of McNabb, I'm sure the Lions, Browns, Dolphins, Redskins or maybe even the Vikings would love to have him next season.