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3:48AM JST

My flight to Vancouver leaves in just over 6 hours. I haven't slept, and don't plan to until the connection from Hong Kong to Vancouver. Of course, plans change. My vision is a little wavy already, this should prove to be an adventure. All I know is that my flight leaves Osaka at 10AM on Monday morning, then after 15 hours of travel, I will arrive in Vancouver at 11:45AM on Monday morning. Parker will be there to meet me and chaos will undoubtedly ensue.

As excited as I am for this trip and the chance to see so many friends, part of me just doesn't want to go. I don't want to be bothered with all the travel and the expenses. Especially, I don't want to be away from Nadja. It sounds a bit silly really, because she is leaving for Thailand at 2PM tomorrow and won't be back until after I return from Vancouver.

The thing is that stuff has been a bit strained between the two of us recently. We are both facing up to the fact that no matter how much we care about one another, there are differences that will likely break us, and the chance of this continuing past Japan is minimal. That said, neither of us is sure we want to end anything. I know I certainly don't.

No matter the troubles we have and the bleak outlook for the distant future, I have a tendency to live in the present. And, though the present has it's troubles, I'm happy. As long as I can keep in perspective the realistic expectations for the future, I don't see the trouble with continuing what we have. That is the fucked up nature of this place. Everything is transient. Nothing here lasts. People come and go, relationships rise and fall. Why expect anything more? Why not just happy with the moments of happiness that we can find and be satisfied with that?

It's a crazy way of thinking for me, to consciously know (and admit) that this will not last, but still want to continue. It just seems like a good idea though. Maybe it's just that I don't want to lose anything. There are things about her that drive me crazy. There are things about me that drive her crazy. We both understand that people really don't change that much. To paraphrase Freud (I believe): People are who they have been throughout your relationship, not who they were on your last meeting. We are who we are and if that's not good enough, then that's it, right? Of course, that's still the long-term view speaking. In the short-term, which is what my life in this country is designed upon: be happy and hold on to happiness when you can.

I don't know. I feel like I can run around in circles with this argument. It won't get me anywhere. It'll just make me tired and sad. The only thing that has really made me happy over this last Nadja-less week has been the few minutes I've gotten to spend with her. And in the end, that's the deciding argument of this whole mess.