I feel like I've been holding something back. Like there has been something that has been moving around my brain, trying to find cohesion and some sort of escape. Things are happening in my life. Important things. Big things. Truly wonderful things. And there are the shadows creeping along the edges. Echoes of doubt.

I feel like I've fallen out of touch with words. I don't remember how to reach them, or how to use them anymore. I spend all of my days teaching (and sometimes misteaching) this language. This language that has always been my sanctuary and my biggest pain. Teaching has distanced me from the craft, from the art, from the love. I have become lax. So much so that I don't feel like I can think as well as I used to. I have never before found myself at a loss for words as often as I have here.

Of course the trouble may not be this place. It may just be circumstance. The English language was never designed to be able to accurately describe feelings of happiness. And any unhappiness I feel, well, maybe I'm too scared to write them down for fear of having to accept them, face them and deal with them. Though I can't really see anything that serious that causes me unhappiness, just small nuisances that will be dealt with as they come.

Maybe, it's more a matter of trying to access parts of me that had been shut off and scarred over. Trying to relearn how to love - not that I ever forgot, but each time is it's own learning process because each of us is unique and must be treated differently. Trying to remember how to fully embrace those feelings and trust that those feelings and the memories that come with them are the things that keep us moving forward throughout life. Every single moment of happiness in my life has pushed me to the place where I am now. The moments of pain may have helped guide me and teach me to be safe, but it has been the moments of happiness that have shown me how to live.

I have suffered pain. That does not make me unique, it makes me human. I have suffered pain and I have learned how to stand up and keep walking. That does not make me brave, it makes me a man. I have suffered pain and I have not lost my ability to love, to be an eternal optimist, or to be a hopeless romantic. That does not make me naive, it makes me who I am.

And that is who I want to be.