The Cost of Love

The cost of love is something quite simple, but very profound. It is only the cost of your mind.

I have been away from my girl for just a few days, and yet I've regained something that I was searching for. I can think freely. My mind is not occupied with trying to make things good and right. My mind is free to wander and seek out those simple moments that I know and love and try to convey, even so rudimentary through writing. They are the melancholy moments, the moments of peace from which we can truly see the world.

The world that I see, that I want to see, is the world of the transient. The world of the traveler. That is why I am in Japan. I've thrust myself into the world of transience. I am not at home here. I do not like it here. I am here to learn and to find connections and to find a path that will lead me further.

I have always been drawn to these places: hotels, public transport, cafes, and stopovers. Places where people are lost, even for a moment, until they find their way. Places in which stories are born.

I stand on my balcony and I see so many stories going past me. People going to work. People going home to their loved ones. People betraying their loved ones in hopes of something better, something more immediate. People just wandering, trying to find their own way. I have always been drawn to places like this.

I know who I am, but I do not know where I belong. I do not know where to go. Some part of me is always trying to learn, and some part of me does not want to learn. I don't care about a higher calling, and I do not mean that in any religious sense. I mean higher calling in the sense of something beyond basic animal needs, beyond mating and procreation. I do not deny that I want that. It would be a supreme folly to say such, but I do want something beyond that. Something that is eternal in a much more abstract sense. Anyone can have children and become immortal insofar as their name continues on. I am the last of the Heller name for my family. I am the only male, I am the only one who can carry on the name, and I'm sure that I will some day, but I want more.

I know that the lives that I've touched will live on in a sense. The memories and stories that I've been a part of will carry through, but I want to create something bigger. I want something that is detached from memory and human transience, something that will endure.

I am in a place in which stories are born. I am hoping and trying to find my path that will lead where I want. I believe that I will. I will not regret if I don't, but that does not mean that I will be any less vigilant in my search.