Comedy or Tragedy? - A Drunken Ramble

I watched "Stranger that Fiction" again tonight and it had got me thinking: Where is my life going? Am I in a tragedy or a comedy?

I feel that because of my lifelong attribute of being a hopeless romantic, that I am in a Comedy, but isn't that in itself a sort of tragedy? Doesn't everyone who seeks true love almost required to give up something else that they truly want?

I want to be a writer. I may not have the resolve and motivation to make that happen though. I could find a place in the writer's field, telling stories of simple moments of human interaction and the results thereof. But, in the end, will that be enough for me? Will that take me where I want to go?

I could easily go back to school, study something profitable, excel in that field and get a job that will be able to support a family. I know that I am capable of that. It's not ego, it is just knowing myself. I am a very intelligent person, and I know that I could find interest in any field be it math, science or whatnot. But, in the end will that be what I really want?

If I choose the path of the writer, the path of happenstance and uncertainty, will I find the love that I have always searched for? As of now, it seems like they are two different paths. If I want love and family happiness, I need to retrain myself into something that will be more secure. If I want the path of a writer, I need to truly settle into the hope that at some point love will come and all things will work themselves out. I do have that resolve. I do have the never ending belief that I will be happy no matter where I choose to go. But, is that a fallacy? Am I on the wrong path?

I had a thought, out on the balcony, that everyone, no matter station, expectations or ability, mus make this choice at some point or another: You must choose between what you really want as an individual and what you want as a human. You may want to be a writer, or a professional athlete, or a foreign ambassador, but at some point you have to choose between family and love, or personal achievement.

What I know of myself, I will choose family and love. I want that. I want to build something more than what my parents built for me. My parents were wonderful individually, but as a unit, they were just a sad shell of family. They do not love each other. Maybe they did at one point, but that time is long gone and all that is left is a train of regret. I want to create something better, and I know that I can.

Some part of me, though, thinks that choosing that path will nullify the path of personal happiness. They seem to be two mutually exclusive options. I will keep hope though.

Of course, that is the staple of human existence: we can never be sure of the outcome. If we knew the outcome, what would be the point of living?

I guess there is really nothing there for me except to keep moving forward and hope for the best. Try to live the way I've learned and to keep the belief that it will be good enough in the long run. Try to find the ineffable.

As an addendum, I must say that I love the feel of punching the keys to make this post. I love the feel of pure thought streaming from my brain to my fingers and recording it here. Maybe that means something, but I can't be sure what. I am eager to find out though.