For only the second time in my entire life, I'm having the urge to talk to my family and say, "I've met this girl..."

That's a very scary thought to me. I'm just not used to letting my family in on things like that. Partially, it is a completely silly notion of jinxing something that I'm excited about. But mostly, I just don't like all of the questions. I know that my parents are going to ask tons of questions, and I know I won't feel comfortable answering them. I'm just far more at ease being open with my friends than with my family (which is why you lot get to see these thoughts.)

This all amuses me because I know that Nadja is very close with her mother, but she can't say anything to her mom about me because I'm white and her mom would have a fit. It does make me wonder why I've never liked the idea of being friends with my parents, or at least being open with them about my life.

I've always been a person who is far more comfortable around my chosen family. I have one of the most amazing gifts that a person can have in that I tend to draw together some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I will confide in those people without hesitation. When I tell those people that I love them, there is actual emotion behind the statement. It isn't just a collection of words that have lost meaning through repetition.

That last sentence alone makes me feel horrible about the way that I keep my parents at bay. Well, I keep my whole family at bay really. I can open up to my sisters, but I so rarely talk to them. I fully understand that I have a great family, and that it's not a given that parents will love their children like mine have, but still, I've always been one to value my chosen family more. It's a bit scattered and fragmented, but it's bigger than my family and there is less drama, and more love too.

It's not that I grew up in a house devoid of love, there was plenty to go around. There was just never any between my parents. That in itself is not a unique thing, but it shaped my ideals of love and choice and trust. My parents have spent about 30 years together. In my entire life, I have heard them tell each other that they love each other exactly once, and I didn't believe either of them when they said it. Of course, my parents love their children, and I believe them both every time I hear them tell us that they love us, but it still doesn't erase that imbalance, that fracture in the house.

Too tired to write any more...