You can't climb til you're ready to fall

I can't say that you broke me. That's not quite right. In a lot of ways, I'm the same person I was before we met, and that is the real problem.

When you and I were together, I finally believed in myself sexually. I felt lucky as hell, every day I was with you, but I started to believe that I deserved it, that I was good enough for it. I may not have paid attention to other women while we were together, but I started to believe that I could get the girls that I wanted to. I mean, I got you didn't I?

But, now that logic doesn't work at all. When I was posting a couple days ago about the issues of confidence and mojo, there were a couple moments when I was about to say, "I have to have more mojo than I think, or else how did I get MJ?" but I stopped myself every time, because, sure I got you, and had you for a bit, but then what happened? As much as it may be issues in you that lead to the cheating, it brings back those pangs of doubt in me. How can I believe in myself when the one person that I've really been with, cheated on me and lied for over a year? How can I find confidence through everything you and I have been through? After all the times I wanted to fight, but you didn't have it in you?

I'm starting to find pieces of confidence again, but the rebuilding process is long and slow. Maybe a little slower than the original building process that I went through as a teenager, because now it's not just building confidence or learning to believe in myself. I have to pick up the pieces of confidence that I had and try to fit them together in this frame that is myself.

This is causing too many unwanted memories to bubble up, so I'm going to stop now. I don't want to be thinking about Italian love poems for the rest of the day. I may end up trashing my apartment before the Kid gets here.