okay so i'm testing out a new friends filter. this filter is designed so i can make posts concerning my strange and evolving relationship with MJ when i don't exactly want her (or anyone too directly connected to her) to see. if anyone who can read this, doesn't want to be here, just tell me.

what i want to say is that tonight felt awkward. i guess the place to start is that a couple days ago was the first time that i posted openly about someone other than her. based on her journal, she obviously didn't like that, but fuck it, i don't care what she thinks or feels any more.

tonight, i met up with her for what i thought was just a time to hang out since we haven't done that much recently, but while with her it seemed like she was just fishing for compliments and an ego boost. normally, i have no problem telling her that she is beautiful or whatever, but tonight i just didn't have any urge to deal with that game. i didn't want to go through the bullshit of telling her that she was pretty, just to have her deny it in an attempt to get more compliments. she knows that she is pretty. she knows that she is sexy. i'm not going to give her compliments just to boost her self esteem. fuck that.

sometimes i also get the feeling that she just uses me to get what she doesn't get out of her current relationship. i think that's basically just her personality, that's what she does to everyone. she doesn't get enough romance and poetry and whatnot from her current guy, so she looks for it somewhere else. she may look to me for that, because those are things that i'm good at, but (once again) fuck that. if she hasn't learned yet that there are people out there who can give her all that she wants (if she can be patient enough to be alone long enough to find them,) then to hell with it. i'm not going to be a sort of "man on the side". i don't need her to fill any needs in my life. i don't need her to feel good about myself. that's what music is for.

that's right. Music: it's what's for dinner, bitches!

all right, i'm done now.