Christmas Cheer

It is 11PM Christmas Night. I have no interest in watching more TV with my family. My Friends are missing. I am sitting alone in my room.

I don't want to take a walk in the rain. I don't want to call people just to get no answer because they have things to do right now. I don't know what to do.

My head is filled with questions. Most have nothing to do with Christmas or the holidays at all. Most of the questions just deal with how I got to where I am right now. The worst part of it all is that I don't have all the answers and I have no way to get them, because whether or not the answers do exist out there, no one is able, or willing, to give them to me. My head is becoming half mystery adventure and half conspiracy theory center. That is the worst of all is thinking that maybe the answers are out there, but for one reason or another, they are not being given to me. I can come up with reasons why this is, but reality seems to be far less dramatic as what I come up with in my head. Reality, as I've learned, is just stupid. It's one person deciding something without proper consideration. It's never having reasons to explain how you got to where you are. It's not taking the easy route of talking because you are so scared that you have convinced yourself that it is the most difficult path of all. It's not knowing what you want, but having to move forward anyway. Or worse, knowing that what you want is unattainable and having to move on.

I will not say that I am looking forward to this coming semester and the (probable) end of my academic career. I will not say that I am dreading it either. I have made bad academic moves. I should have minored in computer programming. I have the talent for it (which I've found is rare.) I could get a job at it. I could do cool web stuff with it. I'm not saying that the door is closed on that option, but it would have provided a better fallback than the nothing that I have now.

Too much time to think makes me tired. It makes me dislike things. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to give up and start new. It makes me wish that I didn't have the capacity to trust people. It makes me wish that love meant what I always dreamed (and probably still dream.)

It makes me want to get fucked up and stop thinking.