at every turn there seemed to be hope, and every time, i got crushed. after that last big talk, i left seeing no reason why you chose s. over me. i still see no reason, but that doesn't matter any more. if there is a reason, you haven't told me. and if there is no reason, then you chose him and i have no reason to stick around.

every time, there is hope in your words, but every time, your actions break me. after everything you have done, i have been willing to forgive, to move on, to try again. i can't keep waiting for you to love me again. i can't keep fighting for something that you don't want and haven't wanted for a long time.

everything comes back in an eruption of anger and tears. everything of the past year and a half comes back and stabs me in the chest. every time you chose to walk away from me, every time you chose to hurt me, every time.

when i'm with you, i almost never doubt that you love me. when we are apart, i almost can't believe it. thinking of everything you've done. all of the times you lied. and the times you walked away. for a long time now, your actions are not consistent with someone who loves me. i want to believe. i want to trust you again. i want to have the chance we never had.

you don't want that. i have to believe that. i don't want to believe it, but i have to. you've given me no other choice.

now, i get to sit at home alone, thinking about all of the shit that has crashed into my lap. you get to go off and be with someone new and

fuck this. this is not helping. you know how much you've fucked up. you must know how much you've hurt and still hurt me. you know what i want. fuck.

i don't want to keep fighting, and i think i can hold that back. but i know that i'll always be waiting for you.